Birthdays can be some of the hardest days after a loss because they remind us not only of who someone was, but of everything that never got to be. My son would be forty-eight today. He died twenty-four years ago. Naturally, I find myself wondering what he would’ve looked like, what work he might’ve been doing, whether he would’ve been married, whether he'd have children running around calling me Grandma. The calendar keeps moving, but a mother's love doesn't measure time the same way. There are still days when I miss hearing Jason's voice. I miss his bear hugs. I miss buying birthday cards and wondering what gift would make him smile. The ache has changed over the years. It’s not nearly as overwhelming as it was during the first decade, but there are still moments when the tears come without warning.
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I knew the day would come. Every mother knows it will. We spend years teaching our sons to become responsible men, hoping they’ll someday find a woman who loves God, loves them well, and wants to build a life together. Then one day it happens. The wedding arrives. Everyone smiles for pictures.
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Relationships may change or even end after loss. Whether the loss was the death of a loved one, marriage, health, career, or another deeply cherished dream, many people shared the same story. They didn’t expect friends to disappear. The responses I received after writing about this last week, reminded me how universal that experience really is. Connections changed. Invitations became fewer. Phone calls stopped. Some friendships faded gradually while others seemed to end overnight.
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One of the most painful losses after a major life event is often one nobody talks about. It's the loss of friendships. Most of us assume the people who’ve been around us for years will remain there when life falls apart. We imagine our friends will know what to say, how to help, and how to
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I’ve been brave for so long that I don’t remember choosing it. Bravery became my default setting at a young age. I didn’t sign up for it or raise my hand and volunteer. It appeared in circumstances I didn’t choose. Loss, disappointment, unanswered prayers, and the accumulation of grief that hangs heavily on my shoulders.
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Age twelve and the oldest of four, I gathered my siblings into a huddle to shield them. Our parents were pointing shotguns at each other in our living room. I thank God they didn’t pull the triggers Half a century later, both parents, long divorced, show end-of-life symptoms. Tears fall or laughter bursts without warning; the emotions are tumultuous.
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Some years, I’ve set goals so big they swallowed me whole. Eat healthier. Declutter every room. Write more. Rest more. Strengthen relationships. Fix everything by Valentine’s Day. By March, I felt overwhelmed and defeated. The goals weren’t unrealistic because they were unworthy—they were unrealistic because they were too big for a weary season.
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On September 10, a mom from our church received a call from inside Evergreen High School where her two sons attend. Desperate, the freshman son called telling her there was someone shooting in the school. “Don’t hang up, no matter what,” she begged her son.
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Both of my parents are facing imminent death due to age and disease. I’m surprised at the strong emotions I’m experiencing, especially since losing my 9-yr-old daughter and my 23-yr-old son. One brother has died and of course other family members. I have many loved ones with the Lord now. Life has not been easy. But God…
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