What If Something Happens While I'm Gone?

What If Something Happens While I’m Gone?

I’m supposed to be looking forward to a trip near the Gulf of Mexico. I can picture mornings by the water, time to write, and evenings when I can set work aside and rest. I’ve begun making lists for the trip and figuring out how to keep working while I’m away.

But somewhere between packing and imagining the drive, my mind takes a sharp turn.

What if I die while I’m gone? What if something happens to one of my children or grandchildren? What if someone needs me and I can’t get home in time?

I wish I could dismiss those thoughts as an overactive imagination. My reality is that bad things do happen. My daughter Alisha died in an accident. Years later, my son Jason did too. I’ve lived through the phone calls and the days that followed. When I fear what might happen, I’m remembering what has happened.

That’s why leaving for any length of time can stir up so much turmoil in me. I want to enjoy the planning, but the what ifs keep taking over. I think I’ll feel better once we’re on the road. Right now, though, fear is trying to take the joy out of a trip that hasn’t even begun.

Psalm 139:16 says, “Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” (NLT)

I’ve been sitting with that verse. God knew every day of Alisha’s life and every day of Jason’s. He knows my days and the days of the people I love. Some of those days have held such terrible loss but the verse isn’t a promise that nothing painful will happen while I’m away. It reminds me, however, that none of us slips out of God’s sight when I leave home.

Psalm 56:3 gives me a prayer for the moments when that’s hard to feel: “But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you.” (NLT)

I’m trying five small things as I get ready to go.

1. I’ll make the plans I can make. I’ll leave contact information, check in with family, and know what I’d do if I needed to come home. Then I can let the planning be finished.
2. When a what if starts running away with me, I’ll name what’s happening: I’m afraid because I’ve lost people I love. That’s more honest than scolding myself for worrying.
3. I’ll bring that specific fear to God. Some days my prayer be short, like “Please watch over them. Help me be here today.”
4. I’ll pay attention to one thing in front of me. The road, a conversation, a meal, the sound of the water. I don’t want to miss the actual trip while living through an imagined emergency.
5. I’ll make room for joy when it comes. Enjoying a good day doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten anyone or stopped loving the people at home.

I may need to do all five again the next morning. That’s all right. I’m taking this trip with my memories, my love for my family, and my faith. I’m hoping to make room for the journey, too.

Does leaving home bring up fears for you? I’d love to know what helps you stay present when the what ifs start crowding in.