I'm Tired of Change

I’m tired of change.

There. I said it.

Usually, I can find something hopeful to say about a new season. I can talk about trusting God with what’s ahead, looking forward to what He’s doing, or remembering that change can bring unexpected blessings.

Today, I’m just tired.

Maybe it’s because there’ve been too many changes too quickly. And I didn’t choose them.

My book agent retired. I’d worked for years toward having an agent, and I finally had someone representing my writing. I’d submitted my newest book proposal and was moving forward. Now I don’t have an agent, and I don’t know what happens next.

Another significant relationship that’s changing is between my mentor and I. He’s been teaching me for years. He critiques and advises my writing projects. His guidance is irreplaceable and I’ve valued his insight and encouragement. I guess it’s time for me to fly on my own, but I will miss everything about him.

And my dad’s dying.

Only God knows the day and hour, but with hospice in place, it won’t be much longer. Several times before I thought I’d given him my last hug. It’s surreal to know our final goodbye is upon us.

I’m tired of losing people I love and those I depend on and appreciate.

I’m tired of modifying my schedule, responsibilities, and my emotions.

I’m tired of hearing news that something else is changing and realizing there’s nothing I can do about it.

Some days I handle it better than others. Today isn’t one of those days. Today I feel defeated.

I know I’m supposed to release the things I can’t control. But knowing I need to release something and actually releasing it are two different things.

I’ve always loved moving from summer to fall but the changing seasons feel unkind this year. All the changes are hurting my heart. I’m sad. Not because the leaves drop and dry up or the colorful flowers cease to provide beauty.

But because the harsh reality is life is everchanging and messy and unpredictable. And as August gets closer to its end, I don’t know how to proceed. I’m scared.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven” (NLT).

I believe that. But believing there’s a reason for everything doesn’t mean I have to like it. Yet, I already know that the Lord will get me through it.

It’s difficult for me to accept what God allows. I don’t understand why or what He’s doing. I don’t like what’s changing, and I’m struggling to loosen my grip on what I desperately want to keep.

So today I’m trying to release one thing, starting with my expectations. Eventually I’ll be able to let go of my plans for the future, the people I care about, and my dad.

Fall comes, ready or not. The days get darker. Then winter arrives. But from where I’m standing today, the upcoming winter looks bleak.

I’ve lived through enough winters of deep loss to know that God is working. Even in the shorter, darker days.

I don’t know what my next season holds and I have zero courage, but I have enough faith to let Jesus show me how to embrace one change at a time.

Prayer:

God,

I don’t know how to accept these changes yet. Please help me release what I cannot keep. Help me trust that winter won’t be as bleak as it seems today.

Amen